Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
