you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
