Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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