I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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