so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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