i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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