every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
