the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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