I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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