Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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