my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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