She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
