My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
