You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
