it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
