Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
