Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
