: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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