And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
