Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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