I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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