I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
