New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
