I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
