you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
