i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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