i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I need to stop coming to work sober
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
