He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
