Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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