Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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