Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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