so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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