I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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