i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
