Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just gargled with NyQuil
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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