I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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