how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
