they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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