Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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