I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
