You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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