Tell her she can't have a vagina
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
