Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
