In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
