i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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