your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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