Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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