I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
