He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
