I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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