Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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