I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
