you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
