I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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