I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
