twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
